Dear Samantha Ronson,
Yesterday a lady I work with asked me a question and I told her, “As a U.S. marine, I’ve been instructed to never answer that question and if Congress persists, I’ll be forced to recite the entire lyrics from Elton John’s song, ‘Tiny Dancer’.
Even when I was being questioned by two North Korean guards, I never wavered. Well, that was until a mouse ran across the floor in the interrogation room. Then, I started screaming like school girl. Then the two guards saw the mouse and all three of us were running around the room screaming. Next thing I know, the guards are telling their superior that I don’t know anything and I was on the next flight to the States. From there, I defected to Canada after listening to all the Arlo Guthrie cassettes one of my marine buddies lent me while we were still in basic training.
Because of the invention of the internet, I’ve now become friends with those two Korean guards. We met on the website ‘Just For Men’. One of the guards told me he always dreamed about making millions by being the King of Korean gay porn (both in Northern and Southern Korea).
I replied, “Those are lofty goals, but wouldn’t you make more more money by making regualar porn?”
My new friend said, “Oh, that’s just gross!”
I replied, “I know! When I was fifteen, I told my friends, ‘OK, we’re not watching that anymore. It gives me wet dreams and I don’t like that.”
My two friends just looked at each other and from then on we watched Hollywood movies. Movies like the ones that starred Arnie in a loin cloth which I thought were quite good, but sometimes my mind would wander because of his accent. Luckily, that loin cloth kept me riveted and I could keep up to the complicated plot most of time.
Then, one day we rented a Molly Ringwald movie. Well, after the movie, my eyes went big and I said to my friends, “One day I’m going to write romantic-comedies!”
And my friends looked at each other and I continued, “Not only will they be romantic-comedies, but they’ll also be musicals!”
Then, my one of my friends said, “Well, anyway, let’s watch the next movie.”
So, we put the Cher film in the VCR. You know the one where she opens the door and says, “Oh, you poor lost soul! Come in, I’ll give you shelter from the storm.”
P.S. I’d sure like to listen to yours and Lindsay’s record collections some time.
I have to get back to the “Just For Men” website now. Me and my North Korean friends are planning a concert for Peace and we’re trying to get George Micheal to headline. George is always on-line about this time. Don’t tell him, but when George asked for my picture, I sent him a picture of James Franco when he had that mustache from that movie he did with Sean Penn.
Peace and Love!
